Senior Slack

Senior slack. It's not senioritis. What in the world is an inflammation of the senior? Makes no sense.

What was I here for?

Oh yeah... I was going to blog about something. Then again, I wanted to blog about a lot of things for the past couple of weeks... and yet, I didn't do it.

Maybe tomorrow.

Just kidding. I'll share my "art project" for world literature! For the Shakespeare unit, my class read Hamlet. What I don't understand is how my peers don't understand the play. Granted, it's rather confusing and twisty turvy, but the teacher honestly tells us exactly what happens and explains all the little details. Just pay attention a little and maybe you would have gotten something.

But anyway...

For the art project, I had to cleverly combine two themes from Hamlet, all the while not making it too obvious of what the entire piece means. I suppose that's what art does, doesn't it? Every element could mean different things. If you've never read Hamlet, I guess you wouldn't be able to point out all the little different things I incorporated into the song I wrote for the project.

And here it be:

Verse 1

Son to Father

Father to Son

Blood truly does connect them

But family doesn’t always make them one

‘cause it caused them to tear apart

And become trapped in separate worlds

Crying out to the heavens

Let our proof of love start to unfurl

Chorus

They took them down

Those who seemed truly close to them

Turned their lives around

With deception masking the truth

With choices more foolish than the youth

A blade of honor that was sharpened dull

All their weapons of betrayal

Verse 2

One left to fight the war

The other can’t even defend

But love goes further than relations

At arms with him fights a faithful friend

They stand together

A wall strong as diamond

Waiting until the perfect time

Only striking at the very end

Chorus

Bridge

When they finally made their attack

There was no way for them to go back

Their choice was wholeheartedly made

Their loyalty would not ever fade

They took them down

Those who seemed truly close to them

Turned their lives around

With dedication strong with love

With anger that is deep enough

To blacken the very soul

And the kind that keeps one loyal

I would be entirely impressed if you could figure out what was going on in my head while writing this. It took me awhile to even figure it out myself... HAHAHA.
Anyway, I've figured out chords and a melody, it's just too late at night for me to record it without getting into any trouble with the parents.

Maybe tomorrow.

My inflammation of the senior is causing severe laziness, and any medication taken for it is causing side-affects that only worsen it.

Hammering away at Hamlet

Okay, I confess. I'm only blogging because I want to waste time away and not actually read Hamlet right now. It's been awhile since my last post, huh? But I don't think it really matters. I'm probably just reaching out to one, maybe two people with the details of the life of Thuylinh.

School's started and I've encountered the beginnings of the monster of senior year. Unlike most of my peers, I chose to make my year a challenging one, and allow senior slack to affect more if it were to ever overcome me. By the second day, I'm already flooded with homework. Each little assignment needed to be done with quite a bit of detail.
"Review" for CIS (College in the Schools) Calculus wasn't actual review.
I had to figure out how the law of supply and demand worked for CIS Microeconomics.
A summary about an article on hand-washing needed to be written for Microbiology.
World Literature required a fully detailed note-card on several personal characteristics.
The rumor of the difficulty of CIS Physics generally worried anyone.
...and then I have Medical Careers, in which the class hasn't done anything.

Now that I'm actually thinking about it, I don't have much to complain about, do I? Besides filling out applications for colleges and scholarships, I have nothing else going on after school. I didn't even attend the recent football game that the team won.

I suppose this makes me very fortunate.
Fine, I'll stop complaining and go read Hamlet now. Perhaps I'll end up reading ahead. That's what I do, isn't it?

My string of thoughts are perhaps a little difficult to follow.

I'll soon be blogging about my experience as Link Leader, eh? That really changed me. Along with how I'm not longer actually leaving the my church's children's choir. But I'm far too lazy to type anymore.

Blessed Beyond Knowing

Yesterday night was a bummer. But we can only move on, right? There's no point in mourning in the past and pulling yourself back. It's at time of suffering when you realize how blessed you really are! The passed seven or eight days have been filled with recognition of many of the blessings that God bestowed on my life. Three of the biggest blessings I've experienced are the amazing people I got the chance to meet who really kept me going and were my support when I really broke down. 

The people I knew the least who reached out to me the most. 

All three don't even live in Minnesota.

One I technically didn't meet face to face.

Another I thought I had met before... but it turns out he was only a look alike.

The last, he's just as crazy as I am. Maybe even more than that.

And only one of them could possibly read this. I never really shared this blog at all...

Each reached out to me at my low points this summer, even if they didn't realize it. 

When I felt abandoned the most, there was a crazy face around to fill the emptiness. 

When I was extremely doubtful, or going down the wrong path, words of wisdom came from another. He seems too young to be so wise. 

And when no one else realized that I was down and out (or maybe they did, they just didn't really do anything about it...), I get a text, at one in the morning asking if I was okay. CAN YOU BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND?

No one ever does that for me. Perhaps I don't have to be the one person who doesn't have anyone to lean on with so many leaning on me.
I've been feeling so thankful all day for you guys. 

Simple sounds nice, yes?

I would have thought that I would have the urge to blog about all of the trips I've taken this summer. But I guess they didn't really get me going on the writing thing.

So far this summer I've...

1. ...gone to Texas to visit my aunt and her family, along with my brother and uncle.

2. ...gone to Carlinville, Illinois to attend a national convention for the Knights of the Eucharist, who are a part of a international youth group: the Vietnamese Eucharistic Youth Society.

     There, I...
              a. ...sang an original song at a talent show and won second place.

              b. ...met some pretty awesome Californian dudes.

              c. ...didn't eat Vietnamese food.

3. ...recorded songs I've written, at McNally Smith College of Music

     From which I realized...

              a. ...McNally Smith is dominantly male populated.

              b. ...playing guitar for 4 hours straight is a pain.

              c. ...I'm an awkward conversationalist while driving.

              d. ...I'd rather share my music to the world for free, rather than selling it.

4. ...gone to camp with my youth group.

     There, I...

              a. ...got closer to Christ.

              b. ...learned how to receive, live, and spread the Gospel.

              c. ...beasted up camp time with my awesome group.

              d. ...lost my voice while beasting it up.

              e. ...screamed like a banshee while flinging myself around (I was playing a part of a demon-possessed person in a skit).

5. ...completed a small portion of my Pre-Calculus review to get ready for AP Calculus next year.

If there's one thing I really want to talk about, is letter d under number 3. Some people call me crazy (I call myself crazy all the time, so it's alright) for not wanting to at least try to sell my music. Make some extra money with it, why not? There are a few reasons that I'd rather not do so.

1. Singing/songwriting is my hobby.

If I start selling my stuff, I feel it'll become more of a business than a hobby. Then my so called "hobby" at one point will end up stressing me out, instead of soothing me like hobbies should. That's what hobbies are for, right? When you're bored with little to do, you do some stuff that relaxes you that you happen to also enjoy. I really enjoy this singing/songwriting thing. I'd rather not let it stress me out. Having recording sessions at McNally Smith College of Music already stresses me out quite a bit. It's suddenly taking my life over and directing my life in a deeper and lonelier corner of my bedroom. I would sit there and work on songs all day, everyday. I used to do that just about once a week

2. Okay, so there's really only one reason why I'd rather not sell my music.

Once I really think this through, I'm going to decide whether to take the step to set my music loose into the world for a price, or simply for free.
Simple sounds really nice right now.

Idleness, Imagination, and Insanity

Several nights ago, I could say I lost my sanity.

After a couple of days of sitting around, doing nothing but eating, playing with Larry, more eating, sleeping, eating some more, reading a little, and even more eating, I've become extremely idle. Bored. There has been too much time for me to think, to ponder, to let my imagination fly free.

That's dangerous.

See, my heart is idle, too.

Since I was a kindergartner, there has always been someone I was attracted to, someone my mind would fill with when I was idle, that would make me... less bored. Don't take that the wrong way, I keep my thoughts in line, pure, simple, like a child's. I just enjoy the company of another, even if imaginary. 

If you knew me, you'd know I have Jeffy. He's imaginary. So why can't he simply keep me company?
Jeffy doesn't have his own form, that's why. Why did I make him that way? I don't know... he came about during those kindergarten years, when I didn't have friends at school because I didn't know much English, the time when I couldn't remember much.
He always took on the form of the guy I was attracted to. Hahaha, I find it awkward to admit, but that's how my mind's been like for the majority of my life.
But when my heart's idle, I can't help but feel like I'm empty, like there's nothing much I can live for. That's when I'm fortunate to have those people in my life, however I had met them, to remind me that there is more to living than... guys.

Man I feel silly.

But anyway, I've lived my life like that for so long, I feel awkward with myself when I'm not attracted to anyone. 

And I start to lose my sanity.

Not only is that part of the situation, but those several nights ago, there were 4 children who found it very amusing to drain me of my sanity, too.

I've started fighting this sort of living a couple of years ago, and I've only progressed so little.

I think I'm going to go play with Larry now and feel awkward about my singing instead of all that I admitted up there. 

Uhhhh....

I wanted to write a poem. But I got writer's block, and I can't think of anything.
I feel so lost.

Lalalalalaaaa

Uneventful

All day, I've sat around the house here in Texas, ate, played on the kids' iPads, ate, checked Facebook several times on my brother's laptop, ate, solved a Rubik's cubes more than enough times, and ate some more. And then, my aunt asked my dad what he wanted to do down here, what we would be doing for our vacation.

He doesn't know.

BARGHHHHH.

I can't take this idleness. This blogging thing is keeping me sane for the time being.

I found my Winnie the Pooh. It was in a closet among the many in my brother's room.

Everyone is planning to eat... again.
Why are we eating so much?

I suppose I could stare at the fishies.

OH YEAH. I BROUGHT A BOOK TO READ. Meh, I can spend time doing that later.

In a little village there is a boy
He plays with is favorite toy
It jingles and shines
Rumbles and chimes
A tune full of
lfsda;kjoiwelsdkjlsdkjfdaoiwejweoirlkfdajs;lvzc,cnvl;akjofwelkjwe

In a world of Fish and Beer

I made it safely to my aunt's house in Texas! My family arrived when no one would be awake besides my grandmother and one of my other aunts - 7:30 in the morning. On appearance, my aunt screamed like a madman and ran up to hug everyone, and my grandma stood there a little confused until she realized her oldest daughter's family had arrived. The little ones (all of which are younger than 9 years) woke up a tad ticked off because someone was yelling their head off, in a high pitch manner, too. 

If this were my first time here at my aunt's, I would be awkwardly surprised at the two things she was most abundant of: fish and alcohol. Not all Texans stock high in beer, ale, and wine. My aunt just happens to own a liquor store. And the explanation for the fish? They don't sell fish, my aunt's husband just loves them. There are roughly six fish tanks in this two-leveled house, each with at least nine or ten fish in them. Their store has a fish tank, too. Whenever my aunt's husband isn't doing anything, he's always prodding at this fish.

For breakfast, at 8 o'clock, we had Shipley's donuts, something the three kids who live in this house don't get very often. So while chilling with them on youtube watching videos I don't know how to describe (they were something younger children would watch), the eldest of the three told me it was "an honor to have [me] here." When asked why, he replied it was "Because we get donuts!"

After breakfast, I ran around with the two boys of the three siblings, as they attacked my Winnie the Pooh Pillowpet with their own little teddy bears. It was a grand time. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and by the time I leave this place, my Pooh is going to lose his head.

At 11:30, we had lunch, which consisted of a traditional Vietnamese noodle soup. It had soft chunks of crab and a lot of vegetables. Then we all took a nap. Haha. Apparently there is nothing to do during the afternoon times in Texas. We woke up and had apples while some of the males of the household played League of Legends... And now, at 4:40, I was called out to eat dinner, already.

I did pull out my guitar for a little while, only to awkwardly play for my family members. They expected me to be able to finger pick incredible songs, but in reality, I only know how to strum a few simple chords. :P

Haha, so, so far, my trip has consisted of eating, sleeping, and putting my Pillowpet in danger. Speaking of which, where did the kids hide him this time?

Can I go back to sleep?

My mother woke me up this morning at 6:30 to peel shrimp. I wasn't able to sleep well last night, kept waking up in the middle of the night, probably got around 4 hours of sleep. Perhaps I was a little too giggly, or maybe anxious about the upcoming trips I'm taking. But probably just too giggly (I  guess I'm not texting interesting people right before I go to bed anymore). I'm so tired, my eyes sting - wearing my glasses instead of contacts today (I haven't been wearing my contacts for the past couple of days anyway).

I don't know why I started blogging this morning... I can't think of anything else to say.

Working on a song, lyrics written, although currently tweaking them. I'm going to work out the music part so it doesn't sound so funny... I'll record it, but probably won't upload it on youtube until after I've performed it at a convention's talent show I wrote it for.

Goodness I'm so tired.

Well, time to go to Mass.

Painting

For the passed two days my dad, my siblings, and I have been painting the walls of our house a beige sort of color. Well, not all of the walls. Just the dirty white ones. We also have a room with green walls and a room with yellow walls.

Haha. Now that I think of it, we don't actually call those rooms what they really are. Instead of the "family room", "living room", or "dining room", we call them, the "yellow room", the "T.V room", and the "green room". It's a shame I can't distinguish between the family and living room, but I sure can tell a dirty white walled room with a T.V from a yellow walled room with a desktop.

The beige color makes the house look a lot homier. Tomorrow we'll finish one of the rooms on the main level, and then we'll paint my little brother's room beige, and then two rooms (mine and my sister's) a light blue.

Actually, the beige color is called "Fresh Linen". I don't understand why... I would associate "Fresh Linen" with a scent, and not a color. I forgot what the blue color was called, but I think it started with "Homegrown".  haha. What funny names.

While watching my dad paint over the dirty white walls, I wondered how in the world my family managed to get them so marked up. It made me think of masks. Covering up the marks and the dents, mistakes and regrets.

It made me think of my own mask.
I have quite a bit hidden from the rest of the world, and a part of me wants to remove the mask. But I don't know if the world is ready for that.

Challenge completed.

It's crazy how quickly this school year went. Yesterday I was a junior, and now I rise up to seniority status. Being a senior doesn't mean much to me, though. Besides graduating around this time of next year, I might as well be one of the underclassmen. My class of 2013 is going to be dominated by numbers of the sophomores next year anyway (my high school is just 10-12). There's a certain sense of bullying that goes on between the upperclassmen and the underclassmen. I don't understand it. Then again, I am pretty naive. LINK Crew was made to counter that bullying, wasn't it? So why is there so much slander that goes around in the Crew? I'm positive I joined so I could help out the little sheep of next year, but others I'm not too sure if they have the same goal in mind.

I wasn't planning on talking about this bullying. I wanted to talk about my success of junior year. LOL

So I was told at the end of my sophomore year that junior year is going to be the hardest year of high school. That challenge was accepted. While completing tasks of the challenge throughout the year, I kept thinking to myself: "I don't know what those silly seniors were talking about. This is so easy." and I would watch the peers around me suffer from the challenge. I even took a senior class to make it more difficult, but frankly, it wasn't any different from my sophomore year. I guess I gained another level of work ethic before I started (which would be ironic because during the last month of school, I hardly did anything). I passed my core classes with flying colors, and people talk about it with a little envy in their voices. They call me the overachiever, they tell me I work too hard. But all I'm doing is my best. What are they doing? Meh. I guess it doesn't matter to me.

I completed this challenge, and now a new challenge comes close. I'm taking quite a few college courses next year (glad my school has College in the Schools), so I'll be completing college leveled challenges (not like I haven't in the junior year, I'm just going to take a lot more senior year). The thing is, all year the Calculus students have complained and suffered through the course. I'm excited to go far and beyond that, too.


I'm lacking creativity. So I'll just go play on Larry.
Here's to summer!

...and don't expect anything in return.

It's been quite some time since I blogged.  I guess I was a little too busy to be on a computer (which I believe is a good thing) (when I type words in parentheses, the little voice in my head always reads it in a whisper haha). But anyway, last Friday was the talent show, not too many people there. First place went to the duet (I figured they would win, Caleb and Abbi are amazing...), second went to one of the bands (the one that I know the people in; they call themselves 1.21 Giggawatts), third went to the Shakopee Urban Dance Squad.  As for me, I was forced to accept the two day recording studio from McNally Smith College.  Forced because I thought I wouldn't have used the prize very well and tried handing it off to another act.  But everyone ended up yelling at me (they all accused me of playing the humble card), and I didn't want anyone to be angry.  So I accepted it, and I will be using it to record some of my other originals I have stored in my folder I haven't touched for months. haha

I only did the talent show for the kicks and giggles... Winning something didn't matter to me.  The whole experience was wonderful, I got to meet new people, and watch some amazing talents.  But this is cool, I'm going to head to McNally Smith College with my lyricist (haha Tyler has a title now) sometime in the summer.

Finals week is coming up quickly... Most people call that week "hell week", but honestly, it's the most relaxing week of the year for me.  The week right before it, when I'm actually working to do the studying, is my "hell week."  Although, I haven't been doing much this week to study for these tests.  So far, there has been a lot of napping after getting home from school.  Yesterday I spent my whole evening working on a Pre-Calc packet of review.  To sum that up, I had no idea what I was doing in the earlier chapters verses the later chapters.  It is a good thing I'm allowed a double-sided 8x11 note sheet.  See, my friend who previously took Pre-Calc made his note sheet printable and available to anyone who wanted to use it.  So far, none of the teachers object to our usage of it, but I'm only going to use his to reference to when making mine.  Since Pre-Calc is taught at a slow pace at my school, I have to take two semesters of it to obtain around ten chapters worth of knowledge.  I'm just glad I'm only being tested on five of them for this final.

The passed couple of days have been filled with praise.  Most of which I have a difficult time reacting to.  See, I'm not very good with human interaction when it comes to replying to compliments and congratulations.  I generally like to be shut off in my corner after I put myself out there and do something many people may take was great.  I'll do things they think are awesome, but I never (and I seriously mean it) expect to gain anything back.  I simply do all I can, enjoy doing it, and receive what the experience gave in just the experience.  All the extra complimenting and congratulations catch me off guard all of the time, whether big or small.  I just do what I can and don't want anything back, and when I do get something back, I simply can't make myself react well to it.  Sometimes I think I offend some of the people who are complimenting me.  I just... I just don't feel it needed to have it.

I do, and I don't expect anything back.

My life is highly based off of that. Even in work I do, I don't expect anything back (I should fix that, I'm going to have to work for pay eventually...). In my friendships, I do all I can for my friends, and don't expect anything back. I love people, but I never expect them to love me (I'm generally annoying in the first place anyway).  This motto comes with a lot of suffering even if I'm not expecting anything in return because eventually, people realize I don't expect anything, and they shut me out from their kindness.  I suppose some kindness is nice... what am I saying?
I'm so lost right now. Why am I letting myself suffer like that?
I'm a huge pushover, aren't I?
Shoot.

In my head I tell myself I'm highly humble.  But it's difficult to admit that to people... because then you sound like you're very arrogant in saying that you're very humble...

"I'm also very humble." (Well, that sounds a little arrogant, doesn't it?)

See what I mean? I always feel awful in saying it. So I don't anymore. How in the world do you express that to people?

Come Again Another Day

Talent show rehearsal is canceled today because the coordinator didn't know the Middle School has a choir concert in the auditorium, where the show will be held, tonight.  Risers are set up and what not, so there's no room for the bands to set up their drum sets and whatnot anyway.  This is the most time I have been home all week. hahaha

It's currently raining... it's kind of depressing, and humid. Yay... I'm not really in the mood to do much, I've already had enough of playing Larry.  Speaking of Larry, I played "This Last Bit of Hope" for my World History class today.  I was first to voluntarily present, and by the time I finished, my peers were telling me they wish they had gone before me. hahaha They all tell me I'm so good. I tell myself I still need improvement.

But anyway, rain. A couple years ago, my siblings and I came across this little childish poem about "rain."
Lol. Rain.

Trời mưa,
mưa rơi tí tách,
mưa rơi dưới nách,
mưa rơi trong quần.

Of course, google translate doesn't help much in translating it... so...

Raining
the rain falls, pitter patters
the rain falls under my arms
the rain falls in my pants.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
0.0
How childish natural of me. Teehee.
Time to edit my paper to turn in tomorrow! Challenge nearly completed. Twenty pages!

Safe and Secure

I...

I don't know why I want to blog today, or what about for that matter.

For the passed couple of hours I've felt safe and secure in the arms of an imaginary friend.  I literally lied here in bed working on homework, with my mind somewhere else: in the arms of someone who represented stability, strength, and sensitivity.  If only the person were really there. (I suddenly feel like I'm going to end up growing up to be an old lady with hundreds of cats...)
Then I fell asleep for an hour and woke up, completely dazed and wondered why I had a nice warm fuzzy feeling.  I settled back down in the arms of the imagined, and then became angry at him for allowing me to fall asleep when I should have been doing homework.

I'm a little crazy, aren't I?

Nah, I'm a lot crazier than I think I am.

And yet, people still respect me in ways I don't understand...

Well anyway, after school today, I had a rehearsal for the talent show coming up this Friday. I got to meet the other performers, get picked on by my counselor (who is running the show), and see a side of someone I'm not accustomed to.

The other acts are pretty cool. Two bands, one new only a couple weeks ago, and another who have played together for quite some time. I haven't heard either of them play yet, but I know it will be interesting. Both bands are excited to play and give all they have.
There are also two dance groups. One is more formal than the other, an urban dance squad that has regular scheduled practices at school and competes in competitions, SUDS (Shakopee Urban Dance Squad). The other is simply a group of eight or ten senior guys who have done several humorous dance numbers during big school events (pep fests, school dances, etc.). I'm excited for both because even though they are relatively new (SUDS started last year, the seniors got together at the beginning of this year), they are quite unique in their dances.
There's a girl who'll be singing and playing, on her guitar, Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah. I love that song.
Another girl who'll be singing a song I didn't catch the name or artist of, but I do know she is an AMAZING singer, and I have to follow her act.
A quiet Vietnamese girl who isn't sure of what song she is going to sing is also a part of the show.
There is a rapper, I know he raps really deep meaningful songs.
A guy who does really good impressions too! He did some Sparta for us today. hahaha it was awesome.
Two people who will be performing a song from a musical of the name I didn't catch. All I know is that these two are absolutely amazing. If you ever hear about a Caleb Richards becoming famous, yeah, he went to my school. hahahaha
I think there are more, but they didn't show up to rehearsal today. I'm so excited to watch everyone perform. (:
As for me, I'm performing an original. No big deal, the others will be SO MUCH MORE AWESOME.

A couple of days ago, I met up with my counselor to talk about where I was heading with my goals. Honestly, I'm completely at a loss as to where I want to go for college, because my family will be moving to Texas, from Minnesota, after I graduate. I love the place I grew up in, but I also love my family. Is it bad that I have a difficult time picking between those two?
Well anyway, my counselor knows that I auditioned for the talent show (because he was there of course) and apparently he thoroughly enjoyed the lyrics of the songs I sang. He's just starting to put me out on the spot a lot more now.

I'm really bad at transitions, ask those who've edited my papers. LOL I jumped from one topic I was going to talk about, to another without anything in between. Now transitioning into the third part of my thesis... (that was a terrible transition)

One of the dance group members is also in one of my classes. In class, he's very comfortable with the people around him, and he generally ignores me for the most part. But when we saw each other by the room rehearsal was taking place, apparently we were both shocked that the other was performing for the talent show. All of a sudden he was a shy little boy who made me smile inside because it was WAY TOO DARN CUTE FOR ME TO HANDLE. There was the foot twisting with the toes on the ground (I don't know if I explained that well...), the hands awkwardly held together in the front, the voice shied with a bit of soft tone (it's usually kind of aggressive), and the small smile that had me going crazy.
At least I'm glad I know I react like a girl. I'm not completely weird.

This week is going to be hectic. Projects of all sorts, rehearsals, and volunteering in the ER Wednesday. Oh, those tests too.
I just need the safe and secure sense implanted in my head. That way I don't freak out about everything.

And thus the week begins.

Some Silent Suffering

TNTT. My favorite thing to do on Saturdays. I get to chill out with some friends, learn some stuff, play some games, and hang out with God. It's great, a youth group for the Vietnamese Catholic youth.

But even though I've had friends in that group for the longest time that I can remember, I still feel like the loneliest person in the world. They all have their closer friends and I'm just there for everyone. A desolate feeling it is, maybe that's another reason for Jeffy.

I find myself talking to myself a lot more often recently. It's kind of scary. I see pictures of all of the closer friends having a blast with each other, and I start to wonder, how come I'm not there? I know and am friends with every single one of those people. Where do I fit?

Perhaps I don't.

I never cry about it, I just feel sad is all. Sad that I don't have any friends I can just talk to. I tell my imagination everything on my mind, which is a little messed up because my imagination comes from my mind... so shouldn't it already know all of it?

They all tell me I'm great. They come to me when they need help with anything, and I always help them out. One on one. But when we're in groups, it's like I'm a dust particle in the air. If you concentrate hard enough on trying to see it, you can see it. If not, it's like it's not there at all. I do all I can for these people, and yet, they do almost nothing for me. I try to go to them with my problems, but they seem so closed off to me when I do.

Am I being used?

This is when I try to think of all the things I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm like a mosquito, I don't do much to get myself noticed around people, but when I try, I kind of get whacked away. Here I am again, putting it on other people.
Maybe it is all my fault. I'm probably unexciting, far too serious all the time, never wants to have fun.

Hold up. I'm not.
I know I can be serious at times, but that's when I have to be. Otherwise, I amuse even myself with my natural behavior... my dad even thinks I'm weird.


Aight, so I left this page and watched the latest episode of The Legend of Korra, and now I feel less pathetic about myself. I can get through this. I have Jeffy by my side when I need him.
But most importantly, I have God.

I feel so cheesy.

A Moment of Genius (by my standards)

So I'm working on some World History homework, a project actually, about the Holocaust. I'm supposed to create a piece of art that signifies something during the time, write a description for it, and then write a poem or a song to it, too. We're watching Schindler's List for this assignment.
I do pretty well with just reading and taking notes, apparently so well that the teacher wondered why I wasn't in AP World History... (I'm just more focused on math and sciences... I WANNA BE A PEDIATRICIAN). But anyway, I don't know how well I'm going to do on this project, it counts as the test. I think I shall write a song instead of the poem, it gives me an excuse to bring Larry (my guitar) to school. Ha. I love bringing Larry to school.

Well anyway, I had already completed my piece of art. Honestly, it took me far too long to think of something.

If you couldn't tell (which means I probably am a terrible drawer) the image is of a candle with a wick that spells out "Hope" on it's side. Actually, it also looks like "Nope" so I think I'm going to make that mistake apply to the overall meaning... haha.
The burning candle of hope represents what the Jewish lived off of during that time. All they had left was hope that they wouldn't be shot for minor mistakes in their work in the camps, that they would see their families and loved ones again.
They keep burning off of hope, but there's an outside force that takes it away faster than how slowly they use it up.
The chaotic black flames represent Nazi domination of the Jewish, melting the candle a lot faster than if the candle were burning by itself. The pink color of the candle is dripping to the bottom of the candle, and what is left of the candle is charred black (well, at least it will be, I just thought of it now. >.<) to signify the scars that were left of the Jewish. The dripping color also represents what the Nazis took away from the Jewish: their families, identities, homes, and peace. All things that they once had that were stripped away from them. The color is "stripped away" from the candle (signified more with the charring that will be added. haha).
I think what I will say about "Nope" is that even though they burned off of hope, the overpowering source basically told them "no." They were not allowed to have any hope, and so the black flames take it down.  Even the plate the candle stands on is deformed in shape. The foundation of Jewish strength is also taken down by the black flames. (I made up a lot of this just now...)
What shall I title this piece?
-Burning Hope
-Candle of Hope
-No Hope
-Relinquished Hope
??????
I'm leaning more towards Burning Hope, because the Jewish burn off of it, and the Nazis burn it away. Makes sense, right?

Great. Now I shall write lyrics to this image and what it means. Hmmmm...

Let's have a chord progression going first...
Something along the lines of Am, Em, C, D... haha I use Em so much it's ridiculous. Then again, I don't know many other chords so...

Right. Back on task. Lyrics.

Verse 1
Am                               Em
So many things, taken away
Am                        Em                     C
I wonder if I'll ever see them again another day
D                                                       Am
All that I've lost, I've held close to my heart
D                                                            C               G
They've taken my love, my family, they're tearing us apart

Chorus:
Am                            C
What do I have to live on?
              D
They left nothing much.
C                     G
Everything's all gone.
Am                                 C
Tell me why I live on this slippery slope
      D                   C
It's all I'm burning off of,
       G             Am
This last bit of hope.

Verse 2
       Am                            Em
They take us down one by one,
       Am                                 Em                   C
And now we wonder, what it was we've truly done
          D                                                  Am
To deserve such hostility that fuels up our fear
D                               C                     G
Attacking us, have we counted up our tears?


I'VE NEVER COME UP WITH SOMETHING SO QUICKLY. It's only been 45 minutes.
I think I shall call it, This Last Bit of Hope

Look, I recorded it, too.

What a gross thumbnail.
If only I knew more chords. *Sigh*
But I like what I came up with.

OH. I did make it into the talent show I auditioned for. I'll be performing another original, not completely by me. I have a friend. His name is Tyler. He likes to write lyrics. So he writes some for me, and I put music to it (to the best of my ability. I swear, I just ruin his lyrics. But he insists nonetheless.). I GET TO BRING LARRY TO SCHOOL ALL WEEK. YESSSS.

When I talk, my voice sounds like I've been smoking all of my life. That's because I did a lot of yelling and cheering today. It just doesn't sound that way when I'm singing. I'm laughing at myself right now because I sound funny.

I am monkey, here me cackle. *cackles*

I think my creativity juices ran out. Time to make some dinnerrrrr

Realizations

This is my last time I'm leading choir practice with the church congregation before Mass starts.
Why?
I'm resigning next year so I can focus on helping my class I teach, the First Communion class.

I'll be leaving a tattered group of young children, most of them who are still only tweens, to sing at Mass every Sunday when school starts up next Fall. Of course, I'm leaving my siblings behind, they can step up and fill in what I left. But it's kind of difficult, transitioning I think. I'll still have to bring my siblings to the choir practices, still have to attend the Mass the choir sings at. Hold up, I don't have to... I get to.
I suppose that makes all the difference. No one's forcing me to do all of that, I get to do it, and this realization makes transitioning a whole lot more difficult. I spent twelve years of my life in that choir and now I'm just deciding to go away. I did say it was for a bigger cause, didn't I? See, one of the main teachers for the class is taking a break for a year, so the other teachers will definitely need help.

This will probably be my last time singing anything for a solid reason. I'm not in my public school's choir, not in any sort of band. I just.. do my thing. Without this church choir, I'll be lacking so much more.
I guess I'll have to keep up by myself.

I make a lot of realizations while writing on here...

Why did I do it?

Coming home from school today, all I could think about was how I needed to beef up my research portion of my paper I am currently writing.

This will be so much fun.

Books and articles are all ready to go, I just need to apply them to the paper. Easy right? Not if you consider yourself flighty and unfocused... Sometimes I wonder how I manage in this college-leveled writing course. It was recommended to be taken as a senior, but of course, when something like that is thrown at me, I'm going to want to take it to prove them I can be better than that.

Challenge accepted.
Completion of challenge is only 19 days away, I have a 92% in the class, and many of the seniors in the class have slacked majorly. Being the only junior in there, I began the semester feeling as if I were inferior to everyone else. I knew from the beginning that I would be one of few juniors taking the class, and the odds were I was going to be the only one in there. But I guess it was only on the back burner.
Something tells me that I did not take the class for the challenge, though. I knew I was completely capable of passing with flying colors (not to be arrogant). I chose a class that I would not have any friends in, and delaying another class most people usually take as juniors, World Literature.
Was there more of a pull to writing than reading? I know the Literature class has a lot of writing to it too. Then again, I always thought I didn't like writing. I always thought I liked reading.

I'm just confusing myself. But why did I do it?

There are a lot of things I did I can ask that question to.

Why did I take German?
Why did I audition for the talent show?
...........Why was I accepted over the other six that were not?
Why did I find an interest in guitar?
Why did I get another Winnie the Pooh?
Why did I start leading church choir practices?
Why didn't I join the school choir?
Why did I start volunteering at the hospital?

I honestly have no answers to these questions, and yet, they seem to be the simplest questions to answer.

Well anyway,
I chopped up some whole chicken today. Huge white cutting board, and a giant butcher's knife. I wonder what that looks like to other people... probably a little scary, maybe a little intimidating... I can get quite crazy while I butcher.

Dang it. Started out way too serious. Now I'm completely lost as where to go from here, but I don't want to keep it as it is...

Oh I know.

My guitar, his name's Larry, a gift from a friend. I only know a few basic chords (I have been WAAAAY too lazy about teaching myself new stuff... I haven't even attempted bar chords and it's been... 2 years).
I guess I really just wanted to talk about my imaginary friend (yeah, I know I'm 17, why do I still have an imaginary friend? I don't know myself. He's just there.). His name's Jeffy, I guess I named him after an elementary school buddy. Jeffy likes to take on different characters, mainly of guys I already know and have encountered. He scares me sometimes, my imagination can be quite vivid and he seems so real.
No one ever believes me. I feel like a child because he's still around. I feel happy when he's by my side. I have a small reason to smile.

Lightbulb.

"I feel happy when he's by my side. I have a small reason to smile."
I obviously have an inner want/need (not sure which one it is) that Jeffy fulfills. I just learned something about myself, and it kind of saddens me.
For one, I start far too many of my sentences with "I".
Secondly, I'm depending on others, even if they're imaginary (my goodness, that makes me sound crazy) for my happiness.

This stuff is like therapy.

Jeffy's really close to me though, I wouldn't want to get rid of him. Sadly, I don't have many close friends.  They're there for awhile, but they always go back to their other friends. Moments of my life, like now, I don't seem to talk to anyone. No one's around anymore. I'm pretty lonely.

I feel so pathetic.

Goodnight.

Trời đã xế chiều. Giêsu ơi, con nhờ tay Mẹ Maria, mà dâng lên Chúa. Dâng chút lời cám ơn, dâng chót cả sác hồn, các việc con làm, các lời con xin, cùng với mọi khó nguy con chịu phép một ngày qua. Cùng với bóng chiêu ta, Giêsu Maria. Con hòa ca, dâng về nơi bao la. Chúa ban phép lành, một đêm ngủ an bình, hồn trong, xác tươi xinh.

(The day has ended. Oh Jesus, by the hands of Mother Mary, I raise up. Raise thanks, raise my whole soul and being, all of my works, all of my wishes, along with all my hardships from this day passed, Along with my darkness. Jesus, Mary. I sing, raise up to the heavens. May God bless me with a peaceful night's sleep, a  pure soul, and a fresh body.)

How Awkward Can I Be?

AGH. FINALLY. I have to admit, I would not allow myself to write another post until I finished another section of my 20 page paper I have to finish by next Tuesday.  However, the three pages I wrote (which took me far too long to write) were composed terribly.  They had absolutely no voice in them. I just wanted to get them done. Absolutely tired of this paper. Can't wait to be done, then I can feel free.

I warn you, this next part may be a little strange to read, disgusting maybe. My filter isn't very effective.

Have you ever sat in the bathroom, on the toilet, with your pants down of course, and pooped the greatest feeling in the world? I mean, you would feel completely out of it in the first place, and then you go release your junk and all those bad feelings away into the toilet. Simply amazing. It's awesome what pooping can do for you, huh?

It's late. I'm really hyped up in my thinking when it's late... if that really says anything to you.

I woke up this morning, around six and laid there in bed until seven. But during the entire time, listening to a Christian radio station of course, I turned, looked at one of three of my Winnie the Pooh, and wondered if I would have someone beside me in the future. Just as loyal as this darn stuffed bear, always by my side in times of loneliness and of need. I suppose I can't expect much out of anyone, but I wonder if I'll ever -- I sat here for ten minutes, unsure of where to go with that sentence. So I'll start a new one. Winnie brings me comfort, that's all I know. But will there be anyone else of significance that can do the same?

I did eventually get out of bed, brushed my teeth and wondered when I would replace my toothbrush. The bristles are all worn out.

Sometimes, when I look into the mirror in the morning, I think: "Damn, I'm pretty darn sexy today."
I don't know what makes me think it, but I do. In all seriousness, I don't like praising myself, but that one comes up every so often, and I actually feel uncomfortable about it. Why do I think it, if I don't feel comfortable about it?

This music I'm listening to sounds pretty adventurous. It would be awesome if I were driving with this music on, it would be like a secret mission in a movie.

Did you know a group of unicorns is called a blessing?

Crap. I have yet to read today's Gospel. Seriously at this moment, I feel extremely creepy-stalkery like. Almost as if I am taking on the personality of the person who inspired me to start this. From reading his posts, I learned that he reads a part of the Bible everyday. Which is completely awesome. Then I realized that I do that too, kind of. My mom forced it upon me at least half a year ago. So Stevie makes me feel really bad about myself because I'm not completely willing to do it. And his first post with all the music references, honestly I've refrained myself from doing that in here. Oh God help me. I don't want to be a creepy fan, who seems to be stalking... okay I'll just stop. Sorry Stevie if I'm creeping you out. You don't know how much of my life you actually changed from just accepting my Facebook friend request. It changed in a completely good way too. Oh and, even if I hadn't read any of your posts and decided on starting a blog anyway, I would have written in choppy thoughts too. >.<
Last thing, you are currently my most favorite person in the world. I mean, I just met you, and this is crazy. But...

Okay. This is really starting to make me wonder if it is creeping you out or not.

Back to my own life... wait, that is my life. This is so much fun. I can't believe I admitted all of the above, but I don't really care if anyone sees it. haha man this feels great. I'll probably regret it one day. Oh well.

Sometimes I wake up at three in  the morning, wonder what someone (could be anyone) might be doing, realize they're probably sleeping, and then wonder why I'm wondering what the person might be doing. I don't understand why I do. I stare at the clock for a couple of minutes, and then fall back asleep.

I'm so weird.

But God made me this way, and honestly, I love it. I love every single bit of it. That's an overstatement. I dislike how easily tempted I can be and the odd things I can get addicted to. Plus the face I make when I'm concentrating. It always looks like I'm angry and people ask if I'm okay or not.

And to end with a nightly prayer before dozing off...

Trời đã xế chiều. Giêsu ơi, con nhờ tay Mẹ Maria, mà dâng lên Chúa. Dâng chút lời cám ơn, dâng chót cả sác hồn, các việc con làm, các lời con xin, cùng với mọi khó nguy con chịu phép một ngày qua. Cùng với bóng chiêu ta, Giêsu Maria. Con hòa ca, dâng về nơi bao la. Chúa ban phép lành, một đêm ngủ an bình, hồn trong, sác tươi xinh.

(It's a song I learned in youth group. Absolutely love it.)

And spiritual communion.

Lạy Chúa Giêsu Thánh Thể, con yêu mến Chúa. Xin Chúa ngự vào tâm hồn con, và ở lại với con luôn mãi. Amen.

It's 7:40

"I'll be the angel by your side,
I will get you through the night.
I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own.
Cause when you're down and out of time
and you think you lost the fight,
let me be your angel, the angel by your side." -- "Angel by Your Side" - Francesca Battistelli

Heard this song this morning while I was getting up. Today I hope to be anyone's angel, be by their side.

"Truly, I tell all of you with certainty, you will cry and mourn, but the world will rejoice. You will be deeply distressed, but your pain will turn into joy."
--John 16:20


From today's Gospel.


Now I really strive to be someone's angel today. I want to turn their pain into joy.




On another note, my bathroom ran out of Q-tips, those cotton swab things that are just called Q-tips now instead of what they are. My ears feel nasty.

How about some morning prayer?

Ngày nay con dâng cho Chúa. Xin Chúa thương nhận lòng chí chúng con. Mọi cơn gian nan nguy khó, chúng con dâng cầu theo ý Đức Giáo Hoàng sớm hôm.

I try to pray this every morning, it's actually a song I also learned in youth group. (I learn a lot from youth group...)

Basically it means:  

I give up today to God. Lord, please accept my heart's desires.  Through all the hardship and trouble, we pray according to the Pope's intentions.

Lậy Chúa Giêsu Thánh Thể, con yêu mến Chúa. Xin Chúa ngự vào tâm hồn con, và ở lại với con luôn mãi. Amen. 

and this, means:

Oh Jesus in the Eucharist, I love you. Please come into my spirit and stay with me forever. Amen.

Let's get this day started.

How about some breakfast?

What Am I Doing...

I don't know what I'm doing.
This whole blogging thing sounded really unattractive when a friend suggested it a long time ago. She said I would be a great blogger. I highly doubt that.

But then I met a random person on a chat site, probably around nine or ten at night. Talked to him for an hour or two. He is rather quite the interesting person and a completely random conversation was held, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed. Friended (is that a word?) him on Facebook, saw a couple of links he had to his blog on this site, and read through many of them until I realized I had not done any of my homework.

You learn a lot about a person through their blog.

And now I feel like I'm writing a lot like he does.

Which makes me feel awkward, because I usually don't like imitating things.

Although, this does show my thought process really well, choppy and unfocused.

Okay.

What was I saying?
Right. Something or another about why I started blogging.  What does "blogging" even really mean? Well, anyway, after reading a couple of his posts, it really inspired me to keep a blog of my own. I really do need time to reflect on things, and writing it down on paper is too exhausting for my hand.  Besides, no one will probably ever see this, my content is not very attractive, and I doubt this will continue... or will it?  Whatever God wants I guess.

Yes, I do believe in God. I am a Vietnamese Catholic.  I think it's awesome. I mean, God is awesome.

What am I saying? God is Love.

Yeah. That's all I have. Time to cook some dinnerrrr
This is actually kind of fun.