...and don't expect anything in return.

It's been quite some time since I blogged.  I guess I was a little too busy to be on a computer (which I believe is a good thing) (when I type words in parentheses, the little voice in my head always reads it in a whisper haha). But anyway, last Friday was the talent show, not too many people there. First place went to the duet (I figured they would win, Caleb and Abbi are amazing...), second went to one of the bands (the one that I know the people in; they call themselves 1.21 Giggawatts), third went to the Shakopee Urban Dance Squad.  As for me, I was forced to accept the two day recording studio from McNally Smith College.  Forced because I thought I wouldn't have used the prize very well and tried handing it off to another act.  But everyone ended up yelling at me (they all accused me of playing the humble card), and I didn't want anyone to be angry.  So I accepted it, and I will be using it to record some of my other originals I have stored in my folder I haven't touched for months. haha

I only did the talent show for the kicks and giggles... Winning something didn't matter to me.  The whole experience was wonderful, I got to meet new people, and watch some amazing talents.  But this is cool, I'm going to head to McNally Smith College with my lyricist (haha Tyler has a title now) sometime in the summer.

Finals week is coming up quickly... Most people call that week "hell week", but honestly, it's the most relaxing week of the year for me.  The week right before it, when I'm actually working to do the studying, is my "hell week."  Although, I haven't been doing much this week to study for these tests.  So far, there has been a lot of napping after getting home from school.  Yesterday I spent my whole evening working on a Pre-Calc packet of review.  To sum that up, I had no idea what I was doing in the earlier chapters verses the later chapters.  It is a good thing I'm allowed a double-sided 8x11 note sheet.  See, my friend who previously took Pre-Calc made his note sheet printable and available to anyone who wanted to use it.  So far, none of the teachers object to our usage of it, but I'm only going to use his to reference to when making mine.  Since Pre-Calc is taught at a slow pace at my school, I have to take two semesters of it to obtain around ten chapters worth of knowledge.  I'm just glad I'm only being tested on five of them for this final.

The passed couple of days have been filled with praise.  Most of which I have a difficult time reacting to.  See, I'm not very good with human interaction when it comes to replying to compliments and congratulations.  I generally like to be shut off in my corner after I put myself out there and do something many people may take was great.  I'll do things they think are awesome, but I never (and I seriously mean it) expect to gain anything back.  I simply do all I can, enjoy doing it, and receive what the experience gave in just the experience.  All the extra complimenting and congratulations catch me off guard all of the time, whether big or small.  I just do what I can and don't want anything back, and when I do get something back, I simply can't make myself react well to it.  Sometimes I think I offend some of the people who are complimenting me.  I just... I just don't feel it needed to have it.

I do, and I don't expect anything back.

My life is highly based off of that. Even in work I do, I don't expect anything back (I should fix that, I'm going to have to work for pay eventually...). In my friendships, I do all I can for my friends, and don't expect anything back. I love people, but I never expect them to love me (I'm generally annoying in the first place anyway).  This motto comes with a lot of suffering even if I'm not expecting anything in return because eventually, people realize I don't expect anything, and they shut me out from their kindness.  I suppose some kindness is nice... what am I saying?
I'm so lost right now. Why am I letting myself suffer like that?
I'm a huge pushover, aren't I?
Shoot.

In my head I tell myself I'm highly humble.  But it's difficult to admit that to people... because then you sound like you're very arrogant in saying that you're very humble...

"I'm also very humble." (Well, that sounds a little arrogant, doesn't it?)

See what I mean? I always feel awful in saying it. So I don't anymore. How in the world do you express that to people?