We weren't this vicious to one another, were we?

You know those cheesey movies with the psycho bully of a girl who thinks she's absolutely perfect? She puts people down because she knows they're better than her? She spreads rumors about the unfortunate just so everyone else can turn against them? She dates guys that are the bullied best friends so she can turn them against them, too?
You'd think that was just a movie, that we were never that dramatic and egotistical, that no one lacks the common sense to actually be that type of person.

Unfortunately, it happens.

The whole classic deal. Two bestfriends, one with a greater character, one with better looks. Let's call them Tara and Laura, respectively. Laura knows Tara is a good kid, so she does what she can to break her. Calls her a slut, a whore, ignores her and says Tara should know what she did wrong to make her act this way.
Then Laura goes off to make everyone else turn against Tara. And the next thing she knows, she has everyone on her side.
Unfortunately,  Tara becomes depressed and starts cutting. She doesn't eat. Cries every night. And when she goes to someone and tells them about it, they just laugh and call her those nasty names. Even her other friend makes it hard on her. Tara tells her friend, and all she does is freak out at her and get mad at her for not telling her. Calls her those nasty names. Makes Tara feel sick. What a friend.
But the thing is, Laura pretends to be depressed, and threatens to the people around her that she'll cut herself. And everyone is sympathetic.

Then you have the boy of a bestfriend. Tara depended on him to be the only nice friend she had left. Laura didn't want that, so she dates him and twists up his mind.

It's so much like a movie, it makes me sick. Why are junior high kids so stupid? So cruel to one another? I think some just watch way too much TV. It frightens me how much some actually enjoy making people feel miserable.

I could rant on some more, but alas, I am falling asleep.

I'm glad that we grow up. Unfortunately,  some don't grow out of their stupidity.

Church and Culture

After years of going to Vietnamese church for the main masses of the liturgical year, attending mass at an American church, and a very wealthy one at that, really makes me wonder and question my own culture. I’d watch all of the people, mostly of European decent (there was only one other Asian family and really no other ethnicities), talk among themselves and heartily greet each other. There was a certain reverence you could find throughout all the ages of the population. The elderly were kind, the middle aged were cheerful. You couldn’t find a sense of division between groups of the teenagers. Each and every one of them were absorbed in the mass or the service, and I would find that I probably was the only one who looked distracted looking around. What got me the most was that the congregation participated during mass; the majority of the members actually sang. That was probably what surprised and impressed me the most, that nearly everyone was singing with the choir. I was so amazed, I stopped singing myself to listen to the rest of the congregation.

One thing that stood out to me about this church was that the way they conducted mass felt so much more meaningful than any of the Vietnamese masses I’ve attended. Perhaps it’s because I grew up in an American culture and am not fond of the Vietnamese customs. Or maybe I just don’t understand said Vietnamese customs. Quite possibly, the Vietnamese customs might just be what they can be perceived as: a lot of seemingly unorganized noise. Don’t get me wrong, I love my culture and try to understand and enjoy the customs, but sometimes, I just can’t understand what’s going on, and what the sole purpose of each tradition is.

You’d find in my Vietnamese church that no one greets one another before mass starts, probably because we always have a praying session right before mass. Any sort of interaction between members of the congregation really only ever happens when we give each other peace, or when teenagers and students get distracted and end up talking to each other for half of the mass. During homilies, I'm pretty sure only the older generations every listen and pay attention. Let's be honest, the majority of the younger generations don't know enough Vietnamese to grasp what the priest is saying, or know some but tune out once they feel like they've tried hard enough. As for the singing, if it's not an old song everyone knows, no one is singing along with the choir. Perhaps there'll be one or two trying to sing along, but in reality, everyone else isn't... especially with the kids. I would know.

I think it sad that the culture barrier can prevent those who grew up with a mix of cultures to feel distant from the beautiful event that mass is. Teaching the culture to the younger generations of the community haven't been effective. I wouldn't be surprised if the students just didn't care. 

The biggest thing that really impressed me about this American church I attended, was that they had more teenagers participating and taking care of things for mass instead of any older people. With mine, the same people have taken care of such duties for as long as I can remember. Not many of the teenagers of my church community have a spot in the congregation as a whole that they can call theirs, as their duty for even a short amount of time. In all honesty, I think because we're not allowed to take on some of these things, we are less likely to want to serve the community like I have seen in other churches.

Much respect goes out to the American churches that are capable of bringing everyone’s attention to the real reason why we celebrate the different holidays; I hope that one day my Vietnamese church will be capable of doing just the same.

I suppose each church community advances at their own pace. But there comes a point when everyone knows that something hasn't been working for a long time, that advancement needs to be made.

I sort of feel awful about bashing my own community, but that's what I honestly think.

Sigh Again and Again. And Again.

So much seems to go on, and yet, it's almost like nothing compared to other people's struggles. But is it really? I apologize, mostly to myself, if this post makes absolutely no sense and isn't cohesive at all.
Adults often wish they were back in the teenage years, but why? As awful as I feel about life right now, being an adult must be even worse than it is as a teen. I'll probably look back at this post and laugh at what I had to say, but this is simply how I am feeling at the moment.

So many feelings.
And for some, feeling like that is so pointless, and I know it's pointless. But why do I still feel this way?
Now I'm questioning what I'm even trying to get at. And I feel like I'm just talking to myself now.


Family is breaking apart. So what? There are so many other families in worse condition than yours. What makes yours so much more important to whine about?

You have serious jealously issues. So what? You tell yourself you're accustomed to rejection at this point, why even care?


Two things. Two issues, and nothing more? Is that really extravagant enough to twist up how you engage with people, how responsive you are?
No one likes to see you moody. Sure, they understand how out of it you are from time to time, but this? This has been going on for what will be 3 weeks.

Maybe Mumford and Sons has it right. Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
Your love has been directed towards your family and this goofball of a boy, and not in yourself. Your life has been put into your family and this boy; your life really isn't yours anymore. Is it? Has it ever been?

You really are just talking to yourself.

I don't remember the point of doing this. Only made myself feel worse.